Steve sutherland for NME "I am a rich, obnoxiuos twat who's had it easy her entire life and just got to make a record. I consider myself the fucking luckiest person ever." The self-confessed luckiest person ever is multitasking like crazy. She's eating lunch (a chicken salad sandwich), having her hair done, picking out frocks for the photo shoot, chatting to her mum on the cellphone, planning a band rehearsal, flicking through a magazine, listening to a blues CD and holding forth fulsomely and fabulously to NME on her dual careers as the brattish star of reality TV phenom The Osbournes and its fortuitous spin-off, that of a bona fide chart-bound pop star. All this while trying to keep that infamous Kelly Osbourne mouth from running her into trouble. Fat chance! We're in the Los Angeles Sunset Marquis talking about what it's like to be the world's most famous teenager:"Do you know what I really hate? People touching me. It fucking freaks me out when somebody I don't know comes up and grabs me. "People think they know me from the TV show and I understand why they might think that but they just grab me and go, 'Talk to my friend on the cellphone' and I'm kinda like, 'Uh, I'm just trying to go take a piss actually.' "And if I don't play along, I'm a bitch! I've got no choice! When I was in Vegas recently, I wanted to kill myself because they had 20 security guards with us the whole time and it was retarded. I fucking hate having security guards!" Surely It would be asking for trouble Kelly going out alone? "Well, I do get in a lot of trouble, that's true. I don't mean to. It just kinda happens. Like, it was my birthday in Vegas, and this girl came and sat down at the table. And I go, 'Oh, excuse me, can I sit there?' and she's like 'No." So I said, 'GET THE FUcK OUT OF MY TABLE! NO-ONE INVITED YOU HERE!' And she said, 'Well, they have now.' And I said, 'You're only sitting here because you wanna be on MTV, now FUCK OFF!' But she just sat there. "Then my brother's friend goes, "Kelly, I fucking hate you, you bitch! You're a cunt! Why do you always have to be so mean to all the girls that come around here? And I was like, "Cos I fucking hate girls! They have one fucking brain cell between all of them!' Y'know, they're all glammed-up and retarded in miniskirts. So I'm like, 'She needs to LEAVE!' "And he's like, 'You can't tell her what to do', and I'm like, 'You wanna bet?' So I took a drink of water in my mouth and I spat it in his face. And he picked up a beer can and chucked it at my lip as hard as he could. Then this girl goes 'Haha!' So I picked up my bottle of water and chucked it at her head. And I went to punch my brother's friend when someone from security caught my fist, put me over their shoulder and took me out of the club. "Like, I was nly defending myself. So I went up to my room and I sat and I cried because I was so pissed off. "It just sucks that my mum won't let me go anywhere withhout a security guard. OK, there are times when I go, 'Thank god they're there or I would have been arrested' but there are other times when it just feels like ther's someone watching every move that I make." So even when the cameras are off, they're really kind of on. "Right. Like, on my birthday, I got really hyper and the security people accused me of being on drugs and called my mum. I'm just like, 'Fuck, with evrything I've seen, do you really think I'm gonna be stupid?' But they're like, 'Well, you were in the bathroom for a long time.' And I was like, 'I was with my friend and she got into a fight in the bathroom, that's why we were in there so long.' "My security guard hears the screaming and thinks, 'Oh fuck, she's getting in trouble again', so he walks into the bathroom and picks me up and takes me out." How embarrassing! "Fuck yes! But then it's not as if I give a shit. I'm not gonna see any of those people again. It was funny as hell!" Are you a good fighter? "Yeah. When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to punch and I never really forgot." How do you do it? "Oh, I couldn't tell you. I just know. I can punch really hard and I'm pretty strong as well. We were in New York in the village in the dive bar and one of my brother's friends and me got in a pretend fight. He picked me up and chucked me across the bar and I landed on a table, on a napkin dispenser and I had this big square bruise on my back. "I just lost it 'cos he really hurt me. And everyone just stopped because they couldn't believe that I could punch someone like that. "I'm gonna get myself in some fucking really trouble one day." Kelly pauses for breath: "I shouldn't be telling you this shit. The last time I ddi a big interview I had the worst hangover and I was throwing up and my record company wnet nuts at me. They want me to be a good girl but I'm not. So..." Who do they want you to be? Christina Aguilera? "Oh, did you see her on the cover of Rolling Stone?! Oh my god! Her body is minging! Her butt doesn't look real. There's something wrong with her. She looked like fucking Jay Leno. She looked retarded. But you know what? Tha's her decision. She fucking chose to do that. "Have you seen a fully clothed woman on the front cover of "Rolling Stone in a long time? No. That's because they don't take women seriously - they just make them look like sluts so people will buy the magazines. "I'd never put myself in that position. If I was ever gonna pose nude, if I had a god body - which I don't! - I would fucking make it look glamourous and classy instead of making myself look like a slut. But no-one wants to see my fucking ugly tits and arse in a magazine anyway, so I'll spare you." You'd rather be a musician than a model? "Fuck no! I've been arond this shit my whole life and I know it's not as sweet as everyone thinks it is. I just found out that I could do it when they asked me if I wanted to make an album. My thing is, don't write aobut what you don't know. Like, I might use the word 'boy' or 'crush', but by no means are any of my songs about being in love. I was 17 when I wrote my album. What the fuck does a 17-year-old know about love? "There's only one song on the ablum that I didn't write. And I put it on because I thougt it was funny. It's about masturbation." Which one's that? "Uh...shit...I'm having a brain fart! Uh..."Too Much of You'..." What does your dad think of the album? "He plays it all the time. I don't like talking to him about it because I almost don't want to know." He must like it. "I think he does. I haven't played it to my brother or sister because I know that they're not gonna tell me their honest opinion, they're just gonna tell me it sucks because they have to - they're my brother and sister! So why put myself through the grief of beig upset? They're the only people I really care if they like it or not. I don't care if the world hates it." Surely you'd be disappointed if no-one bought it. "I really woulnd'tl I don't care. It wouldn't stop me if everyone said they hated it. I expect people not to like it, to be honest. I think people are gonna love to hate me." People will be suspicious of you because your musical career is launched off the back of The Osbournes. "Yeah, but I know more than anyone that I wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't for the TV show. This is just my 15 minutes and I'm taking a big ride. I'm doing whatever I want to do and I don't care. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself." You couldn't ever have imagined what that TB show was gonna do to your life? "No. I thought that we were gonna be the biggest embarrassment and everyone was gonna hate us and that I'd be blacklisted for the rest of my life. But to be honest, I didn't really care. Like, I haven't really watched any of it." Really? "Well, Ive watched a little bit, scenes that they thought I might not like. But I hate watching it because I find myself so stupid. You wanna know what else bugs me about it? I was 16 years old when they made that first series and yet everyone has a comment about everything I say and do. I'm still growing up, I'm still finding myself. I should be allowed to make mistakes." You've become public property, like that film The Truman Show. "Yeah. I honestly didn't think anyone would really care who I date but they really do. Like, I'm walking down the street with him (that's Bert McCracken from The Used) and there are people taking pictures and I'm like, "Oh my god, people need to get a life.'" Isn't the strangest thing the way people act towards you rather than the way you act towards them? "Oh it is, big time! It used to be like, 'Oh shut the fuck up Kelly, I don't care what you have to say' and then I'd throw a big tantrum ad make them listen. Hahaha! But now people are just willing to listen to what I say, and I'm just like, 'O...K... I'm just gonna shut up now because I know I'm gonna get myself in trouble.'" Is that why you called the album 'Shut up"? "I had a really obnoxious name for it. I was gonna call it 'Buy Me' but my record company told me I was too precocious and they wouldn't let me call it that." 'Buy Me' would have been great. "Yeah, because if I wanted to just give it to you, I'd sell it to you for free, right? But then they named it 'Shut Up' and I wasn't gonna sit there for three million days and think of some meaningful name for it. I don't give a fuck what it's called. I just want you to listen to it." Is that why you've decided to form a band and perform live? "Yeah. But y'know, I have to get earphones because I can never hear myself in the monitors and it sucks because they make me gag. You know when you stick a Q-tip in your ear it makes you cough? It's liek that all the time. It's like yeauuch!" Do you forget the words? "Oh, I'm terrible! I'll look at someone in the front row and I'll start thinking, 'Oh my god, you're so fucking ugly' and then I'll totally lose track and I'll have to start the song all over again." Kelly scrathes her head and pouts: "My hair feels gross! It feels like pubes? I haven't washed it in a while. "I never wash my hair. When I was in Vegas, I was there for three days and I refused to take a shower because I was convinced they were putting crack and coke in the water so it would keep people awake so they gamble. My mum said, 'If you don't take a fucking shower I'm chucking you in the pool!' So I took a shower. "It as my birthday and I had a kidney infection. Can you believe that? They say it's from stress and drinking too much and not getting enough sleep and all that. I thought I just had a back pain but I had to go pee in a cup and they're like, 'You've got a kidney infection' and I had to take all these medicines and I'm in agony.. "The only reason I liked this birthday is that now I'm 18 and I can do what I like." You can in England, but don't you have to be 21 to drink in the States? "Oh, yeah. You're considered adult enought here to die for your country in the war. You can have kids. You can get married, buy your own house, pay taxes, vot, but you can't gamble or drink, which is the fucking weirdest thing to me." It must be a drag being on TV because you can't even use a fake ID - everyone knows who you are. "Oh, I never really fucking need one anyway because... I was a t this party... actually The Strokes played there... and the bartender practically had me by the hair trying to shove fucking shots down my throat! "Like, my parents want to chuck me in fucking rehab as it is! They're like, 'If you come home drunk or cause any more trouble, that's it! We're sending you away!' And I'm like, 'You can't anymore, I'm 18.' "People want me to go to their clubs so they can say Kelly Osbourne was drunk here. They want me to fuck up. I don't get it! "I do get into a lot of trouble for what I believe but I can't keep my mouth shut. I don't know how. I can't pretend like fucking Britney Spears making herself out to be white picket fence when she's sex-crazed and normal like eveyone else. I would never make myself out to be someone I'm not. "It's like, there are some bands that pretend they're the biggest druggies and they're always stoned or drunk when in actual fact, noe of them are. I'm not gonna go down that road. I'm just gonna do what I wnat and not apologise for it. "Everything's so safe. There's nothing out there right now that's risky. Everone's so afraid of failure. I mean, I know that if my album doesn't do as well as they think it should, my record company'll drop me in a second. And y'know, I don't care." You sound very cynical. "No, it's just what's real. It's like, when I was a kid, I hated everyone! I'd get into trouble so much and they'd find any excuse to go 'Kelly, you're suspended!' "I got suspended because I was on the school bus with my headphones on singing hte Nirvana song 'Rape Me'. I had to sit in the principal's office all day and do my work instead of being in class. So I just fuckig hated everyone. I didn't care if they like me or not because I had my best friends and that's who I hung out wiht and no-one else. "I still have my same friends I did before. I don't have any new friends. I don't want any. I have enough trouble dealing with the ones I have. 'Why haven't you called me?' 'Well, I've been busy'" The second series of The Osbournes is filming right no, is that right? "Yeah and ther's no way in fucking hell that they're getting me to do a third series. No way in fucking hell! Not even if they paid me all the money in the world., I would never fucking do it again." Sooner or later the public's gonna get fed up with you anyway. "I'm surprised they're not fucking fed up of us as it is! I'd be fucking sick of us! I'd be like, 'Fuck this, I don't want to watch those arseholes any more.' Honestly, I don't. I just don't think it's funny." If you weren't in The Osbournes, would you watch it? "Oh, I'd hate me. I'd be going, 'Oh my god, that fucking retard!" And I'd say all the things kids say to me. Kids are so mean... but I guess if the only think they can say about me is the that I'm fat, then I've got it pretty fucking easy. "This is how people come up and say hi to me: 'Oh my god! You're so much skinnier in real life!' I'm like, 'Thanks!' There is no nice way to say that so don't bother saying it. Like my boyfriend's hairdresser, he calls me Pooper. He goes, 'Pooper, I really thought you were like, 200 pounds' and I'm like, 'Oh thank you. I weigh a hundred and, like, 20 pounds but that's OK.' I don't get it. They think I'm literally like a heifer!" "And if I have one more person come up to me and go, 'Oh god, you're so much prettier in real life', I'll smack 'em in the face because it's so superficial and stupid that you have to be skinny and good-looking to be famous. I'm sorry but there really are ugly people in this world and why can't they be on TV, why can't they be famous? I don't get it. What kind of society are we living in if you have to look a certain way to do a certain thing?" What about your music career? After this album, are you gonna do some more? "Maybe. But if it's not fun, no!" So you haven't written any more songs? "No, I haven't even had time to wipe my own arse for god's sake!" Any other plans? "I'm gonna design my own clothes." And I hear your mum's gonna do a chat show? "Yeah!" And Jack? "It's hard for Jack because, considering we never wanted to be famous, I think he loves it more than any of us. He loves the attention. He just wants to work in the music industry at Epic and get on with his life but, at the same time, he does love the attention and it's pulling him both ways. He's really confused as to what he wants to do." I guess once you've tasted fame, it must be really hard to give it up. "Oh, none of us expected it. It was literally over a weekend that I went from being a nobody to a somebody and it freaked me out." Your sister Aimee chose not to be on the show. Do you ever wish that you'd done that? "Sometimes. But most of the time, no. If I wanted to, I could buy my own house right now and do whatever I wanted. What other 18-year-old can say that? It's given me a lot of grief but it's also given me independence, I just couldn't give it back. Fuck no!" |